Twin Flames - Allowing Desire for Physical Reunion
Conscious investigation...
The ego voice is compelling, as well as being reassuringly familiar, which is why it incites reactive behaviours in us without us consciously noticing. We walk blind in these mental traps until we remember the ego's beliefs are not our own, at which point we question their rationality and watch them crumble under conscious investigation.
Desire for the physical...
Over the last few years, I've gradually learnt to welcome all emotions, regardless of whether the ego labelled them as positive or negative. Fluctuating sensations no longer defined or limited me because I understood that waves of pain or doubt were of equal value as ones of hope or joy. It was just energy that needed to express itself. It passed through me, but it was not me. This made life incredibly freeing. Feelings of depression used to paralyse me, preventing me from physical activity, but now I run alongside any waves of sadness, offering them space to be, letting them transmute in a place of peace, safety and acceptance. Recently, though, I became aware that I’d been forcefully suppressing one of the most important emotions of all - that of desire (in the context of desire for physical reunion). The reason I'd suppressed this emotion was due to the ego's voice. ‘If you have desire for something, then you have attachment to it. And if you have attachment to it, then you can't have it. It won’t be allowed until you cease to want it,' it said. It also played the same game in other ways. ‘You entertained a thought of doubt,' it goaded. 'So now you’re back to square one. ’ All those delightful circles that the ego excels in, stitching itself in mental knots.
The allowing of everything...
By becoming aware of this pattern - by shining consciousness on it - I saw that the ego had everything backwards, because the whole point of life is that all is allowed, even desire - especially desire. For without desire, there would be no creation, no dream to witness. Therefore the soul does desire since it desired to have this experience. And since the desire for physical touch and taste of our twin exists, either as a thought or feeling, then it's a natural part of creation. It's not bad or forbidden or wrong. It does not sabotage or delay anything.
Realising this, I let myself feel for the first time in a long time, the desire for physical reunion. I immersed myself in that immeasurable yearning. In the past, the entertaining of my longing was acutely painful. But this time, I didn’t feel pain, only the sweet release of setting something free - a profound bliss. I was allowing essence to form and express itself as pure, unrestrained desire. It’s ludicrous to think this beautiful energy had been denied and trapped, all because of the egoic suggestion that it shouldn’t be felt, and furthermore, that there would be consequences to letting it be felt. Yet this desire was pure. It wasn’t the needy desire of the ego kind. It wasn’t hysterical and demanding. It desired one consciousness celebrating its love through two awakened physical forms in a 3D reality. It was not about attachment to flesh and bone or a particular form, but the essence breathing through those things. It was an intrinsic and honourable part of this love; the desiring. But even if the desire had been born of an attachment to one particular body, one face, one name, then I would have allowed that to be felt and honoured too, because no thought is a failing. It arises. It happens. We can't forbid anything. We note the ego's preference to what form the love comes in, but we trust our soul will have the final, and ultimately, the perfect say.
The missing piece...
Alongside the newfound liberty of allowing my desire, came a fresh idea from the ego - the suggestion that it was my responsibility to manifest physical reunion. For the last few weeks, I’d found myself contemplating whether I’d missed something obvious on this twin flame path, perhaps inadvertently overlooking a certain key - a magical phrase, a sacred book - that would set physical reunion in motion. Now I started to theorise that maybe this was the missing piece - the fact that I’d not consciously tried to manifest reunion. For if I was the creator of my surrounding world (as I’d so often heard), and if I desired reunion so ardently, then why didn’t I manifest reunion right here, right now?
Creation arises naturally...
I’ve always had issues with the idea of manifesting. Over the years, I'd read books on cosmic ordering, such as The Secret. I’d verbalise and visualise certain outcomes, but when I did so, I felt huge resistance and fear rise up. Subsequently, I became fearful of feeling resistance, which led to even more discomfort. I failed to manifest what I wanted, and in the end, I gave up. Surely this time around it would be different, though, since I’d be attempting to manifest from the soul’s desires, not the ego’s. I threw myself into it. I played some songs, and I called out - not to the Jed container, but to the divine masculine within my own soul. It didn’t feel wrong, but neither did it feel entirely right. It left me feeling flat, this huge responsibility of manifesting - of having to risk failure and banish all doubt. It was this uneasiness that led me to the truth. I do not have to force anything or consciously create. The creation arises naturally from the soul, and it won't steer me wrong. If it needs me to consciously take a certain action, it will let me know. All I have to do is listen.
Grasping this, I felt a weight lift. The utter relief that the cosmic intelligence of the soul is working perfectly in the background at all times. It wants the best for itself, of course, and it was always there, even when my ego-self ignored it in favour of its own ideas. The ego is king of doing, doing, doing. It believes it has to take action in order to get the outcome it craves, but destiny does not require coercing. On the contrary, nothing is required other than to be - to just be. There can be nothing more perfect than to sit, open-armed, content. I am the creator, I truly am. But I’m not the egoic creator who wants to force action in order to make something ‘happen.’ I’m the being that flows in accordance with its own desire, with its own destiny. And knowing that my soul wants only the best for itself, brings a new kind of peace. The peace of trusting in the cosmos, in the magic. I will never be late for my destiny. I will never be early for it. If my soul wants me to consciously know something, it will tell me. If action needs to be taken, it will guide me. Love directs itself. It’s the only way.
A naked prayer...
If my ego-self had got what it believed it wanted three years ago, Jed and I would have been reunited within hours of parting. That’s what my egoic-self wanted at the time, desperately. I remember days into his departure, fleeing into the bathroom at work, locking the door, kneeling, praying, sobbing, imploring God from the depths of my soul to give me back this holiness. It was a raw and naked prayer. I was transparent in my need and my brokenness. Yet, looking back, I’m truly grateful my prayer wasn’t acted on in that moment - that the soul wasn’t swayed by the ego, because nothing was being taken from me but the illusion of separateness, and in return I was being given the highest gift of all - the gift of freedom and truth. If the decision had been left to my egoic-self, I would have lived a life of ignorance and suffering. There would have been no self-realisation. No peace. No eternal wholeness. No me.
A greater force...
So now I allow my soul to lead the way, even when things don’t appear hopeful to the ego’s blinkered eyes. I know a much greater force is at work here than a conditioned mind. Nothing that’s meant to be will pass me by. It’s that simple. It’s also a blessed relief. No more forcing or attempting to manifest. No more seeking. No more trying to make things happen. Just to be, to listen, to desire, to allow, to embrace, to steer when prompted, that is enough. That is grace.
