Twin Flame Separation Pain - From Devastation to Serenity
The tide will turn...
The first blog post I ever wrote was about the pain of twin flame separation and how I'd learnt to transmute that pain into something less consuming. It's now time for me to write about this subject again because pain is such an important part of the twin flame process, and it can be a portal to peace when you understand what its role actually is.
I know that the depth of pain triggered by abandonment and separation is unbearable for many people, and that they are suffering and even contemplating suicide to escape the torture of it. I understand because I used to be one of those people. Even when I wrote that first post I was still one of those people. But now I'm in a different place, and I need to share my rite of passage as it wounds my heart to know there are people standing where I once stood; people who may in their darkest hour consider taking their own lives. This compels me to write for the sheer hope that perhaps someone in turmoil might stumble upon these words, and the truth of them may reach them, and bring them enough light to see the way more clearly.
The core of me...
Three years ago, my pain was like an ocean that ruled me every minute of every day. An ocean that knew only scant moments of calmness, less than a human breath. Mainly it roared like thunder, smashing me against my own thoughts, tearing me apart with grief and want and confusion. At its peak, it raged through the core of me like a relentless and unforgiving contraction. From the second that Jed cut me off, it didn't let go of me. It didn't ebb or fade or become less intrusive. And it wasn't a pain that could be numbed by outside activity. Nor could it be appeased with alcohol or any other mind-altering substance. And it was inconceivable that it could be quashed or cured by the distraction of a new relationship. It was, quite simply, a different kind of pain. The type of pain that can only be formed by the loss of one's self.
In the initial days following Jed's departure, suicide crossed my mind a lot, simply because my mind and body were saturated with a long history of pain and sorrow, and this love had been my saviour. So to have it turn on me and leave, pushed me over an edge and into a hell that I couldn't have comprehended existed. That first week, I clung to life by the merest thread. It honestly would have been such a relief to quit, to let go, to not have to face the fear and pain that ravaged me. So why didn't I kill myself? Well, for one thing I've always believed that if you make that choice, you only have to come back and face the same things again until you finally understand. And more than anything I wanted to understand. But aside from that belief, I also knew that I could not be wrong about this love. It existed in my soul, in a place far beyond space and time, and I knew I was not mistaken. And as such, no matter the horror of what had taken place, a flame inside me refused to go out because it wanted to find him again, not in heaven, but on earth.
A chink of light...
Even when the twin flame template was brought to my attention a week later, no solace or reprieve could be found from the pain. The fear was too great. I hated the fact that a world even existed where it was possible to lose love, where it could abandon you or be torn away. It seemed to me a terrible way to live; loving deeply but having to fear the loss of that love every waking moment. So the pain raged on. And my mind spun in circles. I thought of him every second. Nothing else mattered. For weeks, for months, I forced myself to read and meditate and search for answers, but the pain still enfolded me in a vice-like grip, along with the profound sense of shock that melded itself to me unfailingly. There was a certain day in particular that I remember; a Sunday in August. About five months had passed by this time, and I'd made little or no progress. My thoughts still ruled me. The yearning for him was just as potent, the pain just as intolerable, and I started to consider that maybe I would actually have to kill myself, for I didn't see how it was possible to exist in a state of perpetual mental and emotional torture.
What saved me that day were some words that allowed a chink of light to enter the pain, shifting my mind's perspective a fraction of a fraction. The sentence that caused this change referred to twin flame love as being 'God's will.' This new revelation made complete sense to me, because until that moment I was crippled with the fear that God might oppose this love, and could therefore deny me of what was etched in my own soul. But since this love had to be a creation of God's (for the mere reason that it even existed in the first place) then how could he ever oppose it? Considering this, a tiny softening took place inside of me as I surrendered to trusting God and letting this love go wherever it needed to go. Why should the mind dictate the direction or journey it must travel? Surely this job belonged only to the soul. This realisation gave me the strength to carry on another day, and then another, and another.
A paradox...
Still, no matter this tiny shift, the incessant longing, and pining, and shock, carried on for years. I would gain new insights and be appeased for minutes or hours, then the pain would rise once more. I learnt (as I wrote in my initial post) to welcome the pain instead of fighting it; to give thanks for it instead of cursing it. Throughout this time, though, my mind tried to tell me that the only way for this pain to end was if my twin physically came back. This seemed like a paradox to me, and of course, it is, since you intuitively know that your twin will only return once you're no longer fearful, yet you don't know how not to be fearful. Even having this knowledge caused more pain, stress, and fear to grow in me, and I became afraid of being afraid, since I knew that fear prevented reunion but I believed only reunion could end my pain. Essentially the ego-self was tying itself in knots, and because at that time I believed I was the ego-self, I lived a life governed by these mental knots, day-in, day-out.
A story of separation...
These days, I know differently. And I want to share what I now understand to be true. The thing that will end your pain and suffering is not reunion, for physical reunion is meaningless until the pain has been understood. So what, then, is the answer? It is not about trying to eradicate painful thoughts or emotions. It's about recognising what the pain is. You see, I once interpreted the waves of pain inside of me as proof that there was indeed something missing - something on the outside of me, which led me to focusing even more intently on the exterior world and the character. But the pain was actually my real consciousness (our soul spark) crying out not to be overlooked and for me to come home to myself. It is the most ironic thing. We are pining for our twin externally, and blindly overlooking and abandoning them internally, day after day, moment after moment. Every time we invest in the ego-mind's thoughts and follow them outside of ourself, we forget our true identity and the pain ravishes us. But the pain is there to call you back, to make you turn in the right direction. It is a guiding light. It is there to show you when you have forgotten yourself.
A real identity...
I no longer look outside of myself for the love that I already am. I no longer play the game. And while I do understand the natural interest and desire for physical reunion, (after all, we're participating in a 3d dream), it really would be meaningless without conscious awareness stepping to the forefront in both physical forms. Imagine that pure presence coming forth at the perfect time. Imagine looking into each other's eyes knowing the truth, knowing your real identity. Imagine the bliss and peace that comes with that knowledge and self-awareness, and the realisation that nobody left, that only the physical containers parted for a time. The light always stayed where it always was. This reunion would be a reunion of pure grace, for we will be free of all binds and conditioning created by our ego-selves. We know that the flaws and the self-sabotage and the feelings of being unloveable or unworthy belong only to the temporary character arising in us, therefore we are free to love as the essence that shines through that character, without mistaking ourselves for it.
I recall only too well the immense fear that came with loving Jed; the fear that I might lose him; the fear that he might stop loving me; the fear that he might discover I was somehow hollow and fake and unloveable. But today I love fully, and am loved, every moment of every day without fear because I know that 'I' (the essence of us) am here, now. So when physical reunion aligns with this truth, there will be no separation anxiety, no crushing terror that he might not come back when he leaves for work each day. For how can 'he' not return when he was here all along? Don't let this be a pretty concept that the ego-self scoffs at and denounces, thus continuing to search outside of itself and continuing to suffer. Set your sights 'within' not 'without.' This whole encounter points back to you, yet the little-self has been conditioned to look outside for fulfillment, and these are the thought systems that we have to break down using conscious thought. You do have a choice, I promise you. I didn't have to suffer for as long as I did. Everything I missed and longed for was right here; at least everything that is eternal and lasting.
One note... Love from the soul is real. If you have met your twin, you know this. You know it in the places that matter; your gut, your midst, your core. Don't let the small thoughts of fear tell you otherwise. And the most important thing you could ever learn about this love is that it contains within it the masculine and the feminine; an exquisite dance that is a movement of wholeness, a movement of utter unity within the 'I am' presence. This dance, this light, this breath, breathes through a physical dream picture of two. But the dance cannot be divided. The pure note that sounds itself is but one note coming through two instruments. Yet the instruments that voice this sacred melody are temporary ones and barely significant in the grand scheme of things. So while I can understand why the burning question on some people's lips, to me, or to you, or to themselves is, 'Will he/she come back?' For me, the reality is that he never left. How could he when I never left?
Ever inseparable...
When we first meet our twin, the seeds of our awakening are delicately planted, and during the time that we are separated (albeit physically) tentative buds of understanding break through the soil and reach for the light. But the soul navigates physical reunion only when the flowers have blossomed enough to know their own name. This is the only true and holy thing. Three years ago, when I was in physical contact with my twin, I knew love, but I also knew fear. Then I knew terror and pain and grief. But these emotions served as my teachers and my signposts. They saved me from a lifetime of fear of separation. They led me to peace. And this peace belongs to all of us. So believe me when I tell you that your pain means something other than what your ego-self has led you to believe. The pain is not calling you to look outside of yourself for some missing piece that will make you whole again. It is the voice of your twin within, ever inseparable, begging you to come home. So sit. Go inside. Find him or her. Know them as your conscious breath, as the space between words, as the background stillness that has never left your side. Know this to the very depth and breadth of yourself, and when a glimmer of pain arises in a moment that you let yourself forget, go back inside, to the truth. And stay there. Stay with your real twin, with his (your) consciousness. Cease measuring love in terms of time or physicality because love cannot be measured by those things. Love can only be weighed by the soul.
An almighty clue...
This is the way home. This is where the pain has been pointing to. It may be hard to fathom if you’re currently entrenched in the type of persistent shock and pain that I once was, but the day will come when you’re thankful for all that has taken place. Separation forces every drop of pain to the surface of you, then demands that you swim in it. We choke and we flail, and we wonder how we will ever stay afloat. But if we stop using the pain to feed and nurture a belief in separation, we can see it instead as the divine invitation that it is – the almighty clue; a clue that will take you by the hand and demand your attention until you finally understand where this love resides. Until you finally realise that it was you who did the abandoning.
The ocean doesn't rage anymore. It doesn't roar or devour or throw me about like helpless driftwood. It is calm and sweet and constant. It is peace. For now that I can access my true consciousness at any given moment, I am never alone. There is no such thing as alone. I feel the masculine presence within the completeness of who I am, and the fierce power of how much I am loved takes my breath away. I am loved beyond reason, beyond words. For he is here. I am here. And he is not a certain name, or a certain body. He is not a particular age, or a particular story. He is the consciousness behind those things. He is love.
